Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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