Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
