Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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