am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
