I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
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Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
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Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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