I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
