Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
