I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
