I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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