Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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