I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
not ubering you a puppy
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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