my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
