Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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