My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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