My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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