Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
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He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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