Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
