CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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