I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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