Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
