What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
