this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
its liver damage thursday
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
