best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
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I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i now understand why vodka
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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