The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
