How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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