IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
This is my gift to your gina
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
