Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
