I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
All I want is dick and wine.
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