4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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