i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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