I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
