found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Did I show you my penis last night?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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