Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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