Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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