i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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