I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
