There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
