You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
