Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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