I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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