I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
