I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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