I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
