I accidentally had phone sex last night
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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