She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
