Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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