I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
