Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
