he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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