if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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