Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
