Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Me too!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
