that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
