We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
