i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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