Duck Duck Cougar?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
